Next week will be one year since I lost my dad. One year since I became an orphan. To honor that day, I’ve made myself an appointment to hike the Manitou Incline. One mile of stairs. 2,768 steps. An elevation gain of 2,000ft. For over six years, the Incline has become the place I go,…Continue reading Choosing to Live
“𝐻𝑜𝑙𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑠𝑝𝑎𝑐𝑒” 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑎𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑝ℎ𝑦𝑠𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦, 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑒𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠. 𝑇ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐼 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑖𝑙𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑢𝑠 𝑖𝑛 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜𝑑𝑎𝑦. 𝐵𝑢𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑢𝑡𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑜𝑐𝑐𝑢𝑟𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑜𝑛𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑠𝑝𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟, 𝑖𝑠 𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑙𝑦 𝑏𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑡𝑎𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔. 𝑇𝑜𝑑𝑎𝑦, 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑠𝑝𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑔ℎ…Continue reading Holding Space
Have you ever felt like you don’t have a seat at the table? Like there’s this invisible circle but you’re standing on the outside of it? This is a feeling that started when I lost my mom and then grew in intensity when I lost my dad. The feeling of isolation. The feeling that I…Continue reading Is There a Seat at the Table for Me?
A phrase that has been used to describe me is, “bionic woman.” One definition of bionic is having superhuman strength or capacity. Although the analogy is quite fitting given the hardware that is in my knee, when I hear myself called bionic, I bristle a little. I receive it as a compliment but I also…Continue reading Bionic Woman
When I reflect back to what loving myself has looked like over the years, I imagine a game of hopscotch on the blacktop of the playground. Hopping on the squares that are comfortable and acceptable. But careful to avoid landing on the forbidden lines that reveal my many imperfections. This is my frontier. Loving myself.…Continue reading Loving Myself: A New Frontier
New year, new you. This common phrase, to me, feels unkind and unloving. And while there is much I could say about why, I’ll simply say, no thank you. Our becoming is not on a timeline. It’s not linear. It’s an ongoing process that is beautiful, hard and messy. This year, I want to try…Continue reading New Year, New You? No Thank You.
This year, in a way I’ve never felt before, I find myself pondering what I want this Holiday season. I’m deeply aware of the void within me. The dining room table that feels smaller with the reality that fewer seats will be filled. What is it that I am looking for? A hallmark Christmas? Snow…Continue reading Advent
One of my favorite stories from my time as a first grade teacher is the day one of my students asked, “Mrs. Pantusa, what would happen if this room filled up with turtles?” The freedom of his ask. The innocence of his question. The beauty of his curiosity. I want that. Permission to have child…Continue reading What If: Allowing Curiosity to Create Intimacy
Walking through grief is hard. It’s painful. And often times, it’s lonely. I’ve observed that support after a loss usually comes in the first few days or weeks and then subsides. Those of us who are grieving are told to let others know if we need anything. But the reality is, we don’t know what…Continue reading The Unspoken Words of Grief
“I’ve wrestled with the immense pressure I feel to navigate my grief and my pain by the culture’s measuring stick. And when the option to bail for days, weeks or even a month, is not a viable option for me, it creates a precarious balancing game. On one side I have my kids, my husband…Continue reading Living in the Hard Moments When I Want to Eject