Have you ever felt like you don’t have a seat at the table? Like there’s this invisible circle but you’re standing on the outside of it?
This is a feeling that started when I lost my mom and then grew in intensity when I lost my dad.
The feeling of isolation. The feeling that I don’t fit in anywhere.
The feeling of the loss of my identity as a daughter. The identity of having a place in this world.
As I observe others with “perfect” and intact families. When I hear stories of glorious family gatherings and vacations.
The feeling of loneliness is magnified and I become conscious of how much I feel disqualified from having a seat at the table.
While I understand that “objects in the mirror are not always as they appear,” the disconnect between my head and my heart has me creating a myriad of labels listing my many disqualifications:
- Too much
- Not enough
- Too broken
- No room
- Too late
As I name these, I’m aware there is no “fix it” button that I can push. There is no magic pill that can take away the thoughts and the pain associated with them.
But there is a deep and powerful exhale that occurs when I name my feelings. When I identify my thoughts.
And with that deep and powerful exhale, my mind is more clear to hear The still small voice in my spirit say:
“I have a seat for you. For 𝐘𝐎𝐔. And it’s at the grandest table there is. Would you do Me the honor of sitting here with Me? I’d like to hear about these labels you’re carrying around . . . and I would really love to remind you of what is true about you.”
“𝙅𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙨 𝙞𝙣𝙫𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙨 𝙪𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙤 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙃𝙞𝙢 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩, 𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙗𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙨𝙚𝙩 𝙪𝙨 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚.” -𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣 𝙀𝙡𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙙𝙜𝙚, 𝙒𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝘿𝙚𝙖𝙙