As I sit here in a quiet house for the first time in months, there is a question many people are asking me lately and it’s playing on repeat in my mind: What are you going to do?
You see, I’ve entered into a new phase of life. All three of my kids are now in school full time. So the million dollar question, what am I going to do, translates for me into: How will you account for your time?
I am wired to be a helper. For those who are into the Enneagram, I am a 2. Affectionately called The Helper. I love helping people.
I love serving. I LOVE loving people. It truly brings me life . . . until it doesn’t.
In a world where pain, grief and trauma, are swirling all around me. In a world that has become judgmental and divisive. I am being told to do more. I am being told to give more. I am being told to be more. And that feels more true for me now than ever in this new phase of life.
My desire to help, to serve, to love, at times comes with a cost. The cost of my own heart. When I become unaware of the reservoir within me, the result of what pours out is not my best. It’s bitter. It’s unkind. And it’s toxic.
When the reservoir within me is full and I’m in tune with my Father, what pours out is vulnerable and authentic. It comes from a pure and life giving well. I give without keeping any record or expecting anything in return. The offering of the Father’s love through me is of greatest importance.
When the reservoir within me is empty and I’m feeling pressed by the world around me, what pours out is a self-centered and self-protecting action. I’m hiding behind a wall of fear and a wall of brokenness.
When I “love” from this place, I’m grasping the mindset that if I throw myself into the needs of others, if I throw my money and my time into giving others everything I have, then my heart will look really good from a distance. My image is of greatest importance.
I wish I could say I continually have an awareness of my internal reservoir. I wish I could say I never offer a love that is mere scraps and bears little fruit. But I can’t.
I am both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.
So how will I answer this million dollar question? I’m not sure yet. But I will start with a pause. And then I will become curious. What is the condition of my heart?
Where is the level of my reservoir? How can I be filled and refilled? To love well, I love myself well.
To love myself well, I accept the invitation from my Father and allow Him to love me well.