A Step of Courage

Last week I completed one of the hard steps in my recovery from my recent knee surgery. 10 weeks on crutches. It didn’t happen over night. It took time. Time for my body to adjust to the pressure of having full weight placed on it. Time for me to let go of my fear. Fear of it hurting. Fear of my leg giving out. I remember looking at my therapist when he told me to walk down the hallway and me asking, ‘Are you sure this is a good idea? Are you sure my knee can handle this?’ With a gentle smile he replied, ‘We won’t know what you can do until you try.’

As is the character of my Father, this surgery has not simply been about repairing my damaged knee. Its been about repairing the damaged lens through which I view my identity. My Father is inviting me to step away from more than just the crutches from my surgery. He’s inviting me to step away from the crutches that are keeping me from my true identity. From my place in God’s Kingdom. The crutches that are keeping me imprisoned to the lies and agreements in my story. As the shame enters in, my inner dialogue battle begins . . . Robin, you’re such a failure as a daughter! I thought you already dealt with these lies!? Why can’t you just get over it!? I close my eyes and whisper the name of my rescuer. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. He takes me there . . .

I’m standing in a doorway, one hand on each side, gripping the doorframe tightly. In front of me is blue sky as far as I can see. The sunlight pouring in, hitting my face. Underneath my hands, I see small lines written along each side of the door frame, much like you see in a house where parents have measured the heights of their children over the years. But I’m not seeing the measurements of the growth of my children. I’m seeing the lies and the agreements. I’m seeing my fears and how I don’t measure up:

I’m not wanted.
I’m not seen.
I’m not worthy.
I’m a mistake.
I have nothing to offer.
I’m stupid.
I’m not beautiful.
I’m alone.
I’m unlovable.
I’m not enough.

I want to let go of the doorframe. Let go of the lies and the agreements. Let go of the fears and take a step out and stand on the truth of who I am:

I am sought after.
I am seen.
I am His radiant bride.
I am His Joyful Surprise.
I am His delight.
I am His glorious masterpiece.
I am His precious jewel.
I am His beloved.
I am fiercely loved.
I am captivating.

I look down at my feet and then look back up. What if my legs can’t hold me? What if I fall? You have the wrong person. I’m not the one that’s supposed to be out there. I hear the voice of my Father sweetly whisper, ‘Shine. Let go of the walls that are holding you back. Step out and shine.’ I take a deep breath and place one foot out. Heel to toe. Heel to toe. My heart is racing and my stomach is turning. I feel this pull to step back and grab the doorway as my legs begin to give way. As I reach out to steady myself on the wall, its texture has changed. I glance back to see what my hand has taken hold of. There I see the strong shoulder of my Father. ‘I’m here. I have you. I am your biggest fan.’

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

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