I feel like I am in a never ending game of whack-a-mole, but I’m not the one holding the mallet. Instead, my face is in place of the mole. I’m doing my best to roll with the hits and laugh through the pain and frustration, but it is hard. Each time my head pops up there is another surprise on the hammer. I took my oldest daughter in for her allergy test…surprise! Before even starting the test the doctor diagnosed her with pink eye and a sinus infection. Way to go mommy! The next day I decided to have a relaxing evening with the kids while daddy worked late, so I picked up a pizza from Papa Murphy’s. I turned the oven on and preheated the oven. The oven beeped and it was time to put the pizza in. I opened the oven door….surprise! I forgot I had hid my birthday cake in the oven with a plastic bowl over the top. Way to go mommy! Saturday morning I woke up excited to teach a 90 minute toning class and was looking forward to a date night with my husband….surprise! My period started 4 days early! Seriously!? Saturday afternoon my middle daughter walked in to my room from rest time….surprise! She had a fever! Of course! Sweet Jesus come! I’m done!
While in these moments I fought to maintain my joy and laugh through the adventure, in this moment, I am exhausted. I’m tired of my face being the mole. I want to hold the mallet and I want to whack the shit out of some moles! The mole that says I have to be the strong one. The mole that says I have to keep it together. The mole that says it is all up to me. The mole that says I’m all alone. The mole that says I’m not enough. The mole that says I have nothing to offer. The mole that is cancer and is taking my mom from me. The mole that is the longest road of suffering and grieving. The mole that causes me to doubt my worth as a mommy, as a wife, and as a daughter of the King. The moles that are joy suckers and don’t know the source of real life. I hate these moles! I want them to go away! They cannot have me! They do not define me! The truth…the mole is the enemy. Jesus, take them!
Jesus. Father. Holy Spirit. As I basked in the sunlight Friday, You revealed to me this beautiful castle in the clouds with luscious green grass all around. I asked Father, if it was true…do You see me as royalty? But how could You, Father? I feel anything but royal right now. As I have poured my heart out to You, Father, You’ve broken the mold the world has defined as royal. It is not the prim and proper princess with a flawless complexion, hair done just right with a perfect body in a flowing gown. The princess who acts proper, sits proper, eats proper and speaks proper. It is actually a feisty girl, with a mallet in hand, fighting for her heart. Fighting for her joy. Fighting for the freedom to be the royalty that she is as the daughter of the King. A girl who speaks and acts with a heart full of love but is in need of grace daily. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You, Father. Thank You, Holy Spirit.
Psalm 18:39-42 The Message
Is there any god like God?
Are we not a bedrock?
Is not this the God who armed me, then aimed me in the right direction?
Now I run like a deer; I’m king of the mountain.
He shows me how to fight; I can bend a bronze bow!
You protect me with salvation-armor; you hold me up with a firm hand, caress me with your gentle ways.
You cleared the ground under me so my footing was firm.
When I chased my enemies I caught them; I didn’t let go till they were dead men.
I nailed them; they were down for good; then I walked all over them.
You armed me well for this fight, you smashed the upstarts.
You made my enemies turn tail, and I wiped out the haters.
They cried “uncle” but Uncle didn’t come; They yelled for God and got no for an answer.
I grounded them to dust; they gusted in the wind.
I threw them out, like garbage in the gutter.