Sitting at the dinner table Monday night, I have my oldest daughter with attitude written all over her face because she was disciplined for being disrespectful. My middle daughter is crying and throwing a tantrum because she doesn’t want to eat her dinner. My youngest boy is screaming because he is tired from not napping that afternoon and wants his mommy. My husband is exhausted from playing catch up at work after being off for almost a week and has an empty patience cup. In an attempt to calm the situation, he does the very opposite and the results end in everyone crying for mommy. I wanted to cry for my mommy too.
This week I have felt as though I’m working in a circus trying to juggle life. I’m walking a tight rope with my mom’s cancer battle. One small step at a time trying to keep my emotions in check. I’m swinging from the trapeze with my husband and his job. You never know when the bar is going to swing your way and you’re going to need to release the bar you’re holding onto and catch the next one . . . but don’t worry about the hundred feet drop below if you miss. I’m the clown on a unicycle driving my girls to and from school three times a day all while making sure we have permission slips, we make it to talent show auditions, turn in box tops for the big competition, get our baggie books read, get our makeup homework completed, decide on ‘what’s in the bag’ and write out our clues, get our planners signed, and make it to piano lessons on time. While juggling the girls needs, I throw on the daily household chores of cleaning, laundry and entertaining my youngest. I’m a fantastic clown walking around with a big smile painted on my face but beneath the inches thick makeup, I’m exhausted. I’m lonely. The pressure is too much. I want to run away. I’ve lost the margin to take care of ME.
As I sat in my chair this morning, basking in the sun with my Father, I was asking Him what He wanted to show me about my thoughts and feelings on how this week started. While I felt as though I was a less than stellar mommy and wife, that is not how my Father sees me. While I felt that my heart was not valued, that is not how my Father feels about my heart. As I continue to walk this hard road with my Father, He reminds me that not every day is awesome . . . and that’s ok! To allow myself the permission and the grace to know that some days and even some weeks are just plain hard, gives me freedom to live unashamed. Marriage is HARD. Parenting is HARD. Life is HARD. But I rejoice in the knowledge that I am not alone. My Father is with me and He is growing me up and in to His arms to rest, release and trust Him. When I want to run away, I choose to run to Him and find refuge under His wings. I am FOREVER loved. I am FOREVER chosen. I am FOREVER seen. I am FOREVER His joyful surprise.
2 Corinthians 4:8-12 The Message
If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us-trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us-he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!