Christmas was really good. As I was busy packing to prepare to head to my parent’s house the next morning, I got a call from my mom asking if I had a lasagna already made that I could bring with me. Of course I do! I hung up the phone and laughed out loud. No, I really didn’t have a lasagna already made but that would be my little secret that my parents didn’t need to know. I hung up the phone and off to the store I went to get everything I needed. I was more than happy and more than willing. It brought me so much joy that my Father provided the opportunity for me to serve my mom and my dad while I was there. My heart was full and from that flowed the love of my Father. It was the best Christmas present for me to be with my family. As I watched my mom soak in every minute of excitement and joy seeing my kids open their presents, I knew we were right where we were supposed to be. As I watched my dad pull my kids around the pasture on their ski’s with his ATV, I knew we were right where we were supposed to be. The presence of my Father and His love and peace were evident. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Holy Spirit.
As I process the gift that was Christmas, I feel the lump in my throat. This may have been my mom’s last Christmas. The mental images of my mom during our visit flash through my mind. I don’t want to lose those images. On Monday, on my sweet Lauren’s 6th birthday, my mom will have a CT scan and an MRI to see what effects the chemo and research trial have had on her tumors. I’m anxious. I’m not hopeful. I know my mom so well and know that she puts on a great show. If you look in her eyes you can see the tired. You can see the tole this cancer is taking on her and her spirit. The waiting game begets the long line of questions that form in my mind. Am I being pessimistic? Are my emotions clouding my thoughts? My Father lovingly reminds me that cancer is NOT who my mom is. My Father reminds me that a scan, a test, is NOT what we put our hope in. My Father is my HOPE. My Father is my greatest LOVE. My Father is my COMFORT. My Father is my STRENGTH.
Tomorrow is the last day of 2015. Can I be honest? I’m not excited about the new year. I’m scared. I’m not ready to enter the year that I say I lost my mom. I’m not ready. My heart is heavy but I feel my Father close to me. I hear His gentle whisper telling me to rest in Him. When I look back on the last two and half months I’ve been walking this hard journey, I see my Father’s footprints right next to me. I see the beauty in this hard and it truly is beautiful. So in this moment I choose to turn my eyes to my Daddy and say, YES. Yes, I trust You. Yes, I believe You are good. Yes, You are faithful. And I hear my Daddy say to me, YES. Yes I will hold you and catch your tears. Yes, my beautiful joyful surprise, I love you more.
Colossians 1:17-18 Message
We look at this Son and see the God that cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God’s original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels – everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, he organizes it and holds it together, like a head does a body.