This week I learned how the weariness and vulnerability that comes with the hard makes you an easy target for the enemy. Unbeknownst to you, your walls come down and you find yourself walking in a house of mirrors. Nothing looks right. Nothing feels right. You want to find a place to hide but you can’t. You’re in a house of mirrors. You will be seen.
I noticed at the beginning of last week, my sweet boy Hunter was more sleepy that usual in the mornings. While he has been protesting nap time . . . standing up waiting patiently for me until I come get him from his ‘prison’ of a crib . . . I really didn’t think too much of it. He has always been a great sleeper. This all changed Tuesday night when I checked the monitor before turning in for the night. My sweet boy was standing up two hours after we laid him down for the night. My husband and I both tried giving him one more hug, giving him a stuffed animal, praying over him and his bed. It didn’t work. We finally decided he will get tired enough and eventually lay down. 1:30 AM I wake up and check the monitor and my sweet boy is standing up. His head is bobbing up and down and his legs are about to collapse. I watch as he falls over and wakes up just before he hits the mattress. He quickly stands back up and returns to his post at the rail of his crib. My heart is breaking. I go into his room and my sweet boy reaches for me and wraps his arms tightly around my neck. He is shaking. Oh my heavens! What is wrong with my sweet boy? I bring him back to bed with me . . . something my husband and I try never to do with our kids . . . and he snuggles up next to me and falls fast asleep. My heart knew what was wrong with Hunter. Spiritual warfare.
The next day I prayed for my sweet boy often. I was worried and wanted to fix this. When my husband came home from work that night, we prayed over him as a family. We anointed him and his room with oil and played worship music in his room. As Hunter laid down that night to go to sleep, he stayed down. As my husband and I began to discuss family plans for the weekend, it quickly became a less than productive conversation filled with frustration and misunderstanding. We said I love you and went to bed angry. The enemy was dividing my husband and I. At 3:00AM I checked the monitor and my head bobbing boy was standing up. Ugh. This continued until 5:00AM when my husband got up for the day and I brought Hunter back to bed with me and he quickly fell asleep. As I sat in my chair that morning watching my sweet boy sound asleep in my bed and thinking about the difficult conversation I had had with my husband the night before, I was able to see how the enemy was working to come between my husband and I. I realized how the hard in this journey had provided an opportunity for the thief in the night to come for my family. As I cleaned my house that day, I played non stop worship music throughout our home and prayed for the spirit of fear and divisiveness to leave.
The next two nights of sleep for Hunter provided little progress in achieving the goal of a full night of sleep. I recognized bringing him to my bed was not the going to fix the problem so I went with the ‘tough love’ approach. This resulted in Hunter standing ALL. NIGHT. LONG. My heart broke. My sweet boy needs to sleep. I need rest. Another disagreement surfaces with my husband and I feel completely defeated. I close my eyes early that night and quietly whisper, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
The next night we were up at my parent’s house having attended a family Christmas party that day. My husband got Hunter to go down for the night but as I feared, it didn’t last long. I found myself up holding my sweet boy and wanting to cry. My mind flooded with thoughts of how I had blown it as a mommy and a wife that week . . . I thought I edited our family Christmas letter well and half way through the sealing of our cards I find a typo. Ugh. I hurt and disappointed my husband and failed to lift him up. Ugh. I can’t figure out how to get my once great sleeper to sleep. Ugh. Jesus! I suck! I just want to sleep! What is wrong with me!? As I look down at my precious boy, I feel my Father tell me, ‘Rest in Me. Stop trying to control this and fix this.’
As we drove home I reflected on my time with Hunter and Jesus in the middle of the night. It continues to amaze me how my Father is using my sweet boy to teach me more about my relationship with Him. Hunter has this habit of consistently having one hand on his belly button as if to make sure no one steals it. It seems to bring him comfort when he rests his hand there. The Father brought a new thought to me that has changed my perspective of this cute habit. His belly button was the vine that connected him to me for 9 months. It is what brought him life. Jesus is my vine. I need to stay connected and rooted in Him. I need to keep my eyes on my Father so the enemy can not steal me or my family. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Holy Spirit. I love you.
John 15:5 NLT
Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.