Next week will be one year since I lost my dad. One year since I became an orphan. To honor that day, Iβve made myself an appointment to hike the Manitou Incline. One mile of stairs. 2,768 steps. An elevation gain of 2,000ft. For over six years, the Incline has become the place I go,…Continue reading Choosing to Live
Holding Space
βπ»ππππππ π ππππβ ππ π‘βπ πππππ‘πππ ππ πππππ πβπ¦π ππππππ¦, ππππ‘ππππ¦ πππ ππππ‘πππππππ¦ ππππ πππ‘ πππ π ππππππ πππ π‘βπππ ππππππππ . πβππ ππ πππ‘ π ππππ‘βπππ πΌ ππππππ£π πππππ πππ πππ¦ πππ π’π ππ ππ’π ππ’ππ‘π’ππ π‘ππππ¦. π΅π’π‘ π‘βπ ππππ’π‘π¦ π‘βππ‘ ππππ’ππ π€βππ πππ ππ ππππ π‘π βπππ π ππππ πππ ππππ‘βππ, ππ π‘ππ’ππ¦ πππππ‘βπ‘πππππ. πππππ¦, πΌ π€πππ‘ π‘π βπππ π ππππ π‘βπππ’πβ…Continue reading Holding Space
Is There a Seat at the Table for Me?
Have you ever felt like you donβt have a seat at the table? Like thereβs this invisible circle but youβre standing on the outside of it? This is a feeling that started when I lost my mom and then grew in intensity when I lost my dad. The feeling of isolation. The feeling that I…Continue reading Is There a Seat at the Table for Me?
Bionic Woman
A phrase that has been used to describe me is, βbionic woman.β One definition of bionic is having superhuman strength or capacity. Although the analogy is quite fitting given the hardware that is in my knee, when I hear myself called bionic, I bristle a little. I receive it as a compliment but I also…Continue reading Bionic Woman
Loving Myself: A New Frontier
When I reflect back to what loving myself has looked like over the years, I imagine a game of hopscotch on the blacktop of the playground. Hopping on the squares that are comfortable and acceptable. But careful to avoid landing on the forbidden lines that reveal my many imperfections. This is my frontier. Loving myself.…Continue reading Loving Myself: A New Frontier
New Year, New You? No Thank You.
New year, new you. This common phrase, to me, feels unkind and unloving. And while there is much I could say about why, Iβll simply say, no thank you. Our becoming is not on a timeline. Itβs not linear. Itβs an ongoing process that is beautiful, hard and messy. This year, I want to try…Continue reading New Year, New You? No Thank You.
Advent
This year, in a way Iβve never felt before, I find myself pondering what I want this Holiday season. Iβm deeply aware of the void within me. The dining room table that feels smaller with the reality that fewer seats will be filled. What is it that I am looking for? A hallmark Christmas? Snow…Continue reading Advent
What If: Allowing Curiosity to Create Intimacy
One of my favorite stories from my time as a first grade teacher is the day one of my students asked, βMrs. Pantusa, what would happen if this room filled up with turtles?β The freedom of his ask. The innocence of his question. The beauty of his curiosity. I want that. Permission to have child…Continue reading What If: Allowing Curiosity to Create Intimacy
The Unspoken Words of Grief
Walking through grief is hard. Itβs painful. And often times, itβs lonely. Iβve observed that support after a loss usually comes in the first few days or weeks and then subsides. Those of us who are grieving are told to let others know if we need anything. But the reality is, we donβt know what…Continue reading The Unspoken Words of Grief
Living in the Hard Moments When I Want to Eject
βIβve wrestled with the immense pressure I feel to navigate my grief and my pain by the cultureβs measuring stick. And when the option to bail for days, weeks or even a month, is not a viable option for me, it creates a precarious balancing game. On one side I have my kids, my husband…Continue reading Living in the Hard Moments When I Want to Eject